How to Grow Healthy House Plants

The Rebutia are undemanding and flower easily, even when very young. And yet they frequently ask, "Am I ironical enough for you?"

Dr. Berg's thesis is briefly this: "In most societies, including our own, hairdressing is a matter of ritualistic elaboration... Hair-cutting and shaving are thus to be understood as symbolic ‘castration.’" (Myth & Cosmos, John Middleton, ed.)

Sponge the leaves of the Rhaphidophora monthly with water and it will thrive. Do not use oil or shiners. Ask someone out to dinner. Choose a place within walking distance.

Notice how long it’s been since anyone walked to dinner. The Dracaena possess amazing powers of resistance. They are almost impossible to kill. Do not propagate this information, however, lest someone take up the challenge. Spray something behind your ears. Feel yourself grow beautiful. Wear comfortable shoes; vanity is the game of nincompoops. The Saintpaulia don’t mind modest crowding, the only sane attitude in today’s world. Crown rot derives from soggy soil, remember. If cyclamen mites appear, the game is up, nothing to be done. When you see an empty orange juice glass, ponder its situation. Is it happier now or when it was half-full? Perhaps consider replenishing it for the next person. Everyone loves the Tulipa, but you must keep an eye out for mealybugs and thrips, for these little creatures have their passions, too. The tulip likes to be watered regularly and thrives in modest humidity, a good lesson for us all. Frequently, but without obsession, check to see when your library books are due. Librarians are prone to feelings of incompletion, like the rest of us. And remember, as you no doubt do, what Hume said: "When we look about us toward external objects and consider the operation of causes, we are never able, in a single instance, to discover any power or necessary connection, any quality which binds the effect to the cause and renders one an infallible consequence of the other."

So go about your day--the genial Scot would want you to. Water the Parodia sparingly, return the Primula’s smile. Don’t always harp on margarine. Let people have something to hold on to. Remember: irony is the symbolic castration of reality. Why else all those hair salons springing up in strip malls.

(N.B. Rob Herwigís How to Grow Healthy House Plants is the source, but is in no way responsible.)